NEW YEAR'S FUCKING EVE

​

So you’re old enough to hate everyone, 2016 just happened, and now it’s New Year’s Eve. 

 

This has been the year of let-downs to say the least. The decline in unemployment, rise in panda population, and Lemonade all brought false hope that this year could be the best one yet. Plus your Aunt Karen told you that your late 20’s are the best years of your life, so you were eager for some nice lays. But instead a melting cheeto became president, and you’re so disturbed by human interaction that you leave a note for Seamless to “just leave it by the door,” so there’s no way you can imagine smashing clammy strange parts together just to end up doing it yourself. 

 

And now, to top it all off, it’s New Year’s Eve: a night of reveling in the brilliance of the past and the promise of the future, all while trying to stay sober enough to feel around for a warm body by 11:59. 

 

But alas! You are not bound by this unwritten contract to pay $200 for a shot of champagne at midnight and take care of your friend Mandy because she lost her I.D. Instead, here are some fun ideas for those of you who prefer the clinking of your old radiator to the clinking of glasses in a balmy basement bar: 

 

 

- Work on your screen play in small spurts between re-watching the entire series of Ally McBeal.

 

- Try out that weird dildo with 3 prongs that your crazy girlfriend bought you.

*have ice handy

 

- Look deep into the eyes of your loving pet. Take note that your pet has no intention of understanding this arbitrary concept of time. Be more like your pet. 

 

- Think about the greats we’ve lost this year, like Prince. Carrie Fisher. David Bowie. Debbie Reynolds. George Michael. Zsa Zsa Gabor. Muhammad Ali. And know that they’re in a better place. Because anywhere is better than this hell-hole 2016 has ushered in. 

 

- Text your ex and then don’t respond when they text back. Immediately post pictures of a past New Year’s Eve, sans mention of it being a #throwback.

 

- Pick some really random hobby for which you’ve never had any interest and have exactly zero talent in and try it out. Knit a scarf. Build a chest. Paint the city skyline. Then immediately throw said object into garbage.

 

- Watch an interview with Elon Musk. Take note that Mr. Musk is relatively certain that this is a simulation, and yet exhibits nearly zero emotion. Be more like Elon Musk. 

 

- Cry. Just do it. It feels fucking good. 

 

- Look up the people you went to high school with. Their 3 kids and denim couches will remind you that it could always be worse.

 

- Buy a nice bottle of Shiraz, set out your nicest wine glass, drink the wine straight from the bottle, and then fall asleep before the ball drops. 

 

 

No matter what you decide to do on this celebrated night that carries no true significance, just remember that you are not alone in wanting to be alone. And even though you hate everyone, that feels kinda good. 

 

To 2017 not blowing quite so hard,

Happy New Year.