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For the ladies putting p in v, it can be hard to determine just which p is “the one.” Here’s a helpful little list of things to look out for to determine which boys are keepers and how to be the woman they deserve.

1. He says something offensive then says, “C’mon it’s funny, don’t be so uptight!” First of all, chill! Why are you offended just because he called you a bitch and your roommate a fag? You’re never going to keep a boyfriend being a winey cunt. Second, appreciate your man’s humor. In fact, you could probably learn a joke or two to use at parties. But if he’s also at that party, let him do the talking.

2. He hits on your best friend from out of town. Ladies, rest assured: this is nothing more than biology! It is innate in a man to be led by sexual desires and completely ignore the way his actions make a woman feel. This makes him spontaneous and sexually liberated! If you’re feeling neglected, suggest a three-way. Keeping your boyfriend’s sexual interest piqued is far more important than retaining an uncomplicated relationship with your bestie and living within your own sexual limits. Plus, now he can compare!

3. Speaking of comparing, if he rates women on the street: he’s a keeper! This not only shows your boyfriend’s aptitude in sexual prowess, but it also shows he’s good at math. If you find yourself starting to compete with the women around you, that’s the point you silly cunt! Sexual competition is the only way to live up to your true potential as a warm compartment for a penis, with 12% body fat and absolutely zero hair from the neck down. Speaking of which, get that shit waxed today or he’ll leave you!

4. He owns a puffy vest in every shade of brown. He’s outdoorsey as fuck, even on the subway, and that means he’s a real man!

5. He goes to the gym constantly and suggests you should too. This means he cares about his body and, therefore, he cares about yours. This will keep you looking your best and feeling your worst. (Size 2 doesn’t come without sacrifice.) Just be grateful you have someone pushing you to be better, which is a synonym for hotter.

6. He lives in FiDi. He’s rich, which means he’s probably very interesting and has really good ideas.

7. He refuses to go down on you. Open any medical book published in schools sponsored by Betsy Devos and you’ll find the answer right in front of you: SEX IS NOT FOR YOU. For a woman, sex is simply a means to insert the sperm, host a human for 3/4’s of a year, push said human out of a hole the size of an acorn, hope that human is a man because of a pit in your stomach you can’t quite explain, give that human the last name of the man who inserted said sperm, quit current job, devote remaining life to taking care of birthed human, and take on the identity of “mother” while relinquishing previous identity of “woman.” And who wants to go down on a mom, that’s gross. For a man, sex is simply a means to derive emotional and physical pleasure and perhaps one day participate in the creation of another human that a “mother” who was once a “woman” must take care of.

8. He belittles you. Girl, congrats! If your man makes you feel small, thank him for showing you the power of skinny. Now it’s your job to drop the weight and fit the size he cuts you down to.

9. He dictates that kissing isn’t cheating (or any other comparable act). Now, you may have heard in the past that sexual boundaries should be decided between people in a relationship through healthy discussion. But that theory doesn’t take into account the fact that men know best, especially when it comes to sex, and love, and math, and science, and art, and comedy, and food, and directions, and business, and animals, and space, and books, and politics, and culture, and sports, and money, and health, and technology, and education, and music, and movies, and history, and religion, and leadership, and negotiation, and computers, and women.  

If you’re still asking yourself if he’s the one, take your time. What’s meant to be will be. Everything happens for a reason. But don’t wait too long, because as we all know, after the age of 31 women turn into cardboard. And no one's fucking cardboard these days.

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